Friday, October 23, 2009

Great Wooden Actors #1 - Sylvester Stallone.



Out of all of the modern actors there are a few that I find pretty annoying; and out of those few there are a couple that strike me as being naff. Narrowing things down even further you are quickly left with Sylvester Stallone.

Yes, Sylvester Stallone, the mainstream ‘hard man’ of the eighties and nineties who has given us a long list of really crap films. How can anyone take this guy seriously as an actor? If you have been unfortunate enough to have seen him ‘act’ in any of his movies then you will know exactly what I am talking about. Let me put it this way; if Sylvester Stallone and Homer Simpson were both nominated for an Oscar in the same film then Homey could eat his donuts without any fear of getting indigestion.

I suppose you have to give some credit to ‘the Italian stallion’ though because-

No, I’m sorry; I just can’t give him any credit. It is just impossible. And fancy being known as the Italian stallion for God’s sake. If people called me that then I would stay indoors!

I have heard rumours that when the stallion reprised his tear-jerking role as ‘Rocky’ (another absolutely ridiculous name), for the twenty-eighth film of the franchise, they had to use CGI techniques on his flabby torso. It is also understood that anti aging skin care products were in good supply.

Apparently Mr. Stallone is a huge ‘sex symbol’. I find this a tad difficult to believe. How can women be attracted to a drooling, mono-syllabic creature that is happiest when stuck to a windowpane with his swollen and sulky-looking lips? Perhaps it was a misprint; yes, that’s it, a misprint. For a moment there the planet was turning the other way and I was in a parallel dimension...

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