It is only fair that ‘actors’ who are basically clones of one another are written about as one ugly lump.
Yes, I am talking about the vastly repulsive and totally uncinemagraphic ‘talent’ that is Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Vin Diesel. These chaps are masters of Ju-Jitsu, Karate, kickboxing and cross-stitch. No-one in their right mind would upset one of these human killing machines. Moreover, no-one in their right mind would want to sit through one of their movies...
It is rather strange to think that anyone would actually enjoy watching any one of these three meat-heads kicking ass. What the actual attraction is of a couple of hours of this crap is a bit of a mystery to me. The films in which they feature are merely vehicles that are shaped around their manly fighting/killing skills. There is no actual story, or at least not one that can be taken seriously.
I think that the main purpose of films starring Steven Seagull, Van-Diesel or Jean-Claude Great Dame is to entertain meatheads who are not famous. They are hugely influential when it comes to people mimicking them for anti-social behaviour purposes; many an ASBO could never have been awarded without their valuable input.
Van-Diesel is the newest recruit in the Chuck Norris School of ‘Kick-the-Living-Poo-out-of-You’ and has already become a huge success in such sentimental modern classics as ‘Pitch Black’ and ‘xXx’. The people just cannot get enough of him it would appear.
I recently heard that Steven Segal was rumoured to be interested in doing some Shakespearean theatre, but the person who told me this is now on different medication and has improved tremendously.
So, the only thing left to consider is which of these tough cookies takes the biscuit? Well, if I could bring myself to actually watching them ‘act’ then I may be able to decide...
